Continuing Bonds: A Gentle Approach to Living with Grief

When a person or a pet we love dies, it can feel as though everything has changed. The world may go on, but our inner world often feels unrecognizable. For years, grief was framed as a process of “letting go” or “moving on.” and sometimes people have felt judged for not being able to do that and it turns out, it may not be necessary.

The Continuing Bonds theory of grief, developed in the 1990s by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman, offers a different way of understanding loss. Rather than seeing the end of a person’s or pet’s life as the end of our relationship with them, continuing bonds suggests that our connection can evolve and endure in healthy, meaningful ways. It's a focus I often use in my grief and loss counselling work and I think it's a really beautiful approach.

What Are Continuing Bonds?

Continuing bonds are the ongoing emotional, psychological, or spiritual connections we maintain with a person or pet who has died. These bonds don’t mean being “stuck” in grief or refusing to accept the death. Instead, they acknowledge that love and attachment don’t disappear—they change form and they transition.

This theory reflects what many grieving people already experience: they talk to their loved one, feel their presence, dream about them, or live in ways that honour their memory. These connections can bring comfort, reduce isolation, and support healing. This approach can also be really helpful when we have disenfranchised grief.

How Can Continuing Bonds Help?

• Validation: It normalizes the desire to feel connected to a person or pet who has died, rather than pathologizing it.

• Comfort: Remembering, storytelling, and symbolic rituals can ease loneliness and keep love present.

• Identity Support: For many, relationships shape who we are. Continuing that relationship helps us carry forward parts of ourselves.

• Adaptation, Not Closure: This theory supports adjusting to a world without the person physically present, without needing to sever ties.

Practical Ways to Maintain Continuing Bonds

If you’re grieving, here are some gentle ways to explore your ongoing connection:

1. Create Rituals.   Light a candle on special dates, cook their favourite meal, visit a place they loved, or play their favourite song, donate to an animal charity every year on your pet’s birthday. These small acts can become touchstones of connection.

2. Write Letters or Journals.   Write to them. Tell them about your day, your feelings, or things left unsaid. This can be a powerful outlet for emotion and connection, especially in the earlier stages of grief when we can feel so lost.

3. Tell Their Stories.   Share memories with friends or family. Say their name. Share pictures. Let your friends know that you want to talk about the person or pet you lost, it’s not a conversation you want to avoid. Laughter and tears often go hand in hand when remembering someone we love. As you may have experienced, sometimes people can be really uncomfortable talking about grief - let them know its OK.

If you're in therapy to support your grief, ask your counsellor if you can introduce them to the person or pet you've lost - this is such a honour!

4. Wear or Display Mementos.   A photo, a piece of clothing, or an object they gave you can serve as a tangible reminder of their presence in your life.

5. Live in Their Honour.   Carry forward something they valued—kindness, creativity, generosity. Let their legacy shape the way you show up in the world.

A New Kind of Relationship

Grief doesn't always end; it changes. Continuing bonds isn’t about staying in the past—it’s about weaving the love and memory of someone into the fabric of your life moving forward. It’s allowing our grief to breathe. For many, that shift can be the difference between feeling alone in loss and feeling supported by the enduring presence of the person or pet they love. Thinking of like leaving the light on.

Thanks for reading :)

Helen Whitehead M.C., R.C.C.

Registered Clinical Counsellor

North Vancouver & West Kelowna B.C.